She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
