I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
