It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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