dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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