so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
where are my eyebrows?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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