1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
