her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
