i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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