maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
