if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
