I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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