I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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