My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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