I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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