Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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