super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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