Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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