My first STD was from a foam party
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
