i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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