new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
