i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
