Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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