I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
