i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
