she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
