Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
