i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
