My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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