Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize