I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
