I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
