The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
