Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
