And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
