Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
