but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I have feelings that need drinking.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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