bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
