dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think a kid would responsible me up
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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