So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
whose parrot is this?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
