It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
