I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
