the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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