Houston, we have a blender
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
