Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
