Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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