Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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