You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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