I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
