if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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