my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
