I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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