he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
