I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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