mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
