I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
