there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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